I Am Just Bored.

Sigh, as "explained" by the title, I am extremely bored now.

Finished a CNS note and 2 Heamato notes which 3 of them adds up to 11 notes that i had done today. I am planning to finish off one more (parasite mah...finish them off one day, more happy. haha).

Why of this sudden keganasan or enthu of study? Hmm.

Special thanx to
1. My mum, for asking me to go eat McD as tea when we were shopping in Piramid.
2. Myself, for saying wrongly and bought a LARGE coffee instead of medium.
3. Again, my mum, for drinking with me and urging me to drink fast fast and get a new cup of coffee.
4. Still my mum, for urging me to finish off that cup and then get a new cup so i can drink while i am studying tonight. Thanxie, my mum.
5. Last but not least, McD's coffee recipe, for making it so "kau" and i have the energy + Semangat to study THAT much despite of me starting my revision at 9.30pm. Haha. If not, early early i sudah tidur.

No, i am not wide awake. In fact, i feel sleepy. Come on, its already 3am...or UK 7pm. Haha. Suddenly remember the joke that Jackie cracked. I am supposed to chat with him this saturday for the Aberdeen stuff. He told me to chat with with at 7pm, then i asked him "ur 7pm or my 7pm"...and he said "if u want UK 7pm also can, its Msia 3am". Lolz. How do i know the time difference is that big wor??? So ah, now is practising to not to sleep THAT early....so that next time i can argue back "UK 7 pm also can...u tot i sleep before 3am ah?". (okay lo, i memang kiasu-ness.....cannot lose de...)

So......to refrain myself for doing more lame stuff....i think i am going to finish off Babesiosis then go to bed. Nitez Nitez, everyone~ (i doubt who will still be awake except those UK ppl). Lolz.

I SERIOUSLY NEED HOLIDAYS!!

My Dog + Self Esteem.

Again, after a long study day (not that long actually)....must blog a bit bit. =)

So, i finally tackled 3 long boring CNS notes today, kinda amazed by my own ability and discipline...

Maybe...its the effect of shopping in Sunway Piramid? Hmm. Most probably. Went to SP this afternoon, supposed to "update" myself with the outside world and reward myself with the newest Detective Conan Comic (after being so good girl for....er....more than 1 month?). So, FINALLY realize that Christmas is coming soon. Haha. I never know the shopping malls start to decorate the malls into Christmas feel THAT early. I was "trapped" in a Christmas dream this afternoon. Whole SP is in such Christmas feel that i nearly thought it is going to be christmas in 2-3days time. Not many ppl, although i expect it to be (school holiday mah), perhaps its because its weekday? So, yea, went around, didn't get my comic in the end, cuz the new episode haven't come out yet (i wonder is the author in christmas mood that he is not drawing??). Sigh. Really soooo....looking forward to read something new, something different from Mid Brain, Cerebral Cortex, Pons & Medulla or else Hb, Hct, Red Blood cells, megakaryocyte..etc etc. Never mind, i shall check with the comic shop again next week. Yes, i am going again next thursday....muahaha....WHY ??? cuz...its JUSCO MEMBERS DAY wor....got loads of discounts here and there. Wee~

Found a very good deal in House Of Leather though. A 29" luggage bag + 23" (i think)luggage bag only sells like...RM 399. GOod leh? And, No, the 23" is not the cabin luggage bag (in case u think i study till sot liao), its some sort like the 29" one, just that slightly smaller...and you DEFINATELY cannot bring it up to cabin. The quality...was...so so. I don't really like it since it gives me a Flappy feel, but the shop assistant reassure me it is good quality and the thing looks flappy cuz it is made of Asbestos (OMG, occupational Hazard). It is light( can carry more thing...the only thing that attracts me)and colourful (oh no, im not attracted to the pink colour). Somehow, i still prefer Lojel. It is slightly heavier (about 7kg acc to my mum, but i don't think so)yet good quality and good warranty. Why i said so? Cuz my brother is a very "violent" person...he never takes care of luggage bag, yet the Lojel my mum bought for him since 2nd year Med Year, is still in good condition now (for ur info, he is now last year, 6th Med Year). Maybe....i would still go for Lojel, slightly expensive, but good quality, at least i don't need to suffer any hassle in UK like " wahlao...why mybag got a BIG HOLE??? How to go home with such bag???". =)

So, had fun in Piramid, came back to find my dog stuck under the thai leaf tree (don't ask me why call that tree that name...i didn't name it...someone else does). The tree has LOADS of thorns on it...and my dog is "hidding" underneath it (what a GOOD place for hiding, huh). What worst is that becuz my dog is acting ganasly again, he torn the wire that my mum stuck it tightly to the window (prevent him from torning it open and jump out from the house). Lagi worst is that....my dog hurt his left upper eye lid. I have no idea how he hurt it. All i know is, i found a wet thoroughly, shivering dog with a big red swelling on the left eye lid under the thai leaf tree. So, quickly bath him then dry him and send him to the vet. The "panel vet" (good leh, my dog see vet until got panel vet adi)so ngam not in, and we have a young leng lui vet. She reassure us that nothign is wrong with my dog and she just gave him (my dog la, its a HE)a mood stabiliser which made my dog very "flappy" now. What i meant by flappy is......my dog seems to lost all his motor power, muscle tone and reflex. He only lies on his stomach on the floor and breath unexceptionally loud. sigh. I percuss my dog (yes, dog and human are somewhat similar), releived that he didn't have any pnemothorax or heamothorax. In fact, i cannot find any wound (proably due to the thick fur). All i can find is...a distended bladder. Haha. He is so weak that he cannot even pee and poo. Damn funny. Just lie there.

So, yes. Don't want to type liao. a bit bored with this. My comp a bit lag tonight. Sien.
Below is a test done by me slightly earlier...on self confident. Lolz.
I personally like this phrase" From personal experience, you’ve learned that it’s important for people not to underestimate the quiet one or overestimate the bubbly one." So...CCB, stop saying i am suffering from LOW SELF ESTEEM just becuz i don;t mix with many ppl and don't talk as much as you. you are MANIA adi la. Hahaha.

See yea~






Quiz: Does Your Self-Esteem Need a Makeover?
Result: Fairly Grounded
Your self-esteem seems fairly healthy. You may not think of yourself as someone who has it together all the time, but other people definitely see you in a positive light, and might even envy your disposition. That can sometimes be a burden to a person with an on-again, off-again self-esteem. You may feel that you’re expected to show others that you always earn high marks when it comes to controlling your emotions and handling whatever life dishes out, but it’s truly OK to be vulnerable.

It’s also OK to take credit for the things you have accomplished and for the person you are. Part of a healthy self-esteem is a belief in yourself and your abilities. Don’t chalk your successes up to “just luck” but take the credit when it’s your due – you can still be humble and proud of your achievements at the same time.

What some people may not realize is that self-esteem and personality are not necessarily interchangeable. Someone can be completely outgoing and boisterous and have a low self-esteem. A total wallflower could have a positive self-esteem. While a person’s behavior in social situations is often thought to indicate his or her self-esteem, this isn’t an absolute. From personal experience, you’ve learned that it’s important for people not to underestimate the quiet one or overestimate the bubbly one.

For instance, while others may think of you as having an intact self-esteem, one of your demons may be that you’re someone who occasionally succumbs to the pressures of society regarding physical appearance and monetary assets. And this can seriously inhibit your dating and relationship desires. If you feel that you’re not “good enough,” that will be reflected in your body language, behavior, and words – and, as a result, the other person’s actions are more likely to mirror your own behavior. By staying positive, you can attract positive people and relationships to your life. The goal is not to let cultural codes get you down for long – your self-esteem does not ride on your looks or your bank account. So don’t let a bad hair day get the best of you. There is much more to you than what’s visible (or printed on your bank statement).

Regardless of how your persona pans out, it’s inevitable that we will all experience lows every now and then. Nurturing awareness for your triggers and knowing how to rise above negativity gives you the kind of self-esteem others can only dream of. When you feel yourself dropping lower than you’d like to, take control before things get out of hand – calling an Ask Mars Venus coach to talk things through can help you gain ground and anchor that self-esteem.
The Bottom Line …

Some of the biggest ingredients in feeling good and developing a great self-esteem are maintaining a healthy attitude, taking care of yourself, and treating yourself right both inside and out. Creating a high self-esteem doesn’t have to be an elusive mountain to climb. When you have a good self-esteem, it can waver; when your self-esteem is low, there is still hope for reversing your state of mind. No matter what position you’re in, self-esteem takes effort. Always work to try and distinguish between the big things and the little things you encounter in life – there are definitely some issues that are worth getting worked up about, and others that really don’t warrant your attention and energy.

Back Pain

Sien...
don't know why feels like haven't been writing for a long long long time.
actually not THAT long, the last post was " born " around 12am Monday...so, till now is like...what...3-4days? Oh wait...that is quite long isn't it?? Haha
Sorry...just being lame. Nothing to laugh about, so must create something lame for myself to laugh.

Going insane soon. Sigh. I think its faster to finish me off with a knife or rope or TNT or whatever....than torture me with the never ending CNS notes. CNS has officially ended yesterday...yet, im still trying to catch up with whatever i left, esp those i missed out during the funerals. Now i know, WHY teachers always tell students not to skipped class, cuz seriously, i don't understand what the notes are talking about....and i spent like what...double the time to understand each line?? Really must read them LINE by LINE!!!

Having back pain now....maybe i sat too long today. One thing i am really relieve is that my revision for EOS is good.....im still quite ahead of others. But i sort of forgotten that before EOS, i need to go tru Summative 5....and i am so not prepared for summative 5. Oh well, i may as well fail it then. Summative 5 consist of 3 systems....so if i only study 2 of them ( maybe MSK and HI?) then i can pass !! WEEEEEE~S~~~ Lolz. My parents will kill me if they know i have this plan.

Sien ah sien~ Why must i spend 3 nice days with notes? I want to go shopping!! I want a good christmas!! I want to eat as much as i could (the notes are really spoilling my appetite) and last but not least....i want a good long sleep. Everyday, i am having problems from pushing my self, getting my ass out from my nice comfy bed. I never have such problem before. Usually is the alarm rang and i SPRANG out from my bed. Haha. Cuz i always estimate ngam ngam time for myself to get myself ready and go to uni mah. So, 1 minute also cannot spend more in bed. But now, i can get up, sit on the bed, switch off my alarm and went back to sleep. OMG!!! I think i need 3 alarms then!! haha.

Saw a news report today saying that females who slept less than 7 hrs per day, even though with good habit of exercising 3 -4times per week has 47% higher risk of getting CVD than those who slept more than 7 hrs perday. So what....i didn't even go exercise 3-4times per week.....and i slept 5-6 hours per day....then i mah have 60% risk of getting CVD?? Gosh....never mind. We are all gona die one day, its just early or late!! Haha. Opimistic leh??

Ouch....really back pain, don't want type liao. I think i need to go lie on bed and.....no....not sleeping yet...study lah~

OMG !!!!!!!!

OMG OMG OMG~~~~~

What Would You Think When You See THis Girl...

Connie Talbot

And What About This...when you see her

Connie Talbot 2

And this???

Connie Talbot 3

What WOULD YOU THINK?????

Cute Girl?
Pretty Girl?
She Is So Angelic?
Or Maybe...you would say " oh hey...look at the young model......advertising for clothes?"







Now...what i am OMG-ing is....
SHE IS A SINGER~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And trust me....her voice is so ANGELIC~~~
I am having Connie-Talbot Syndrome right now...
The songs she sang were...some very cute kid song eg: somewhere over the rainbow, silent night, i have a dream..

BUt...when she sing "I will Always Love You" by whitney housten......hahaha....a bit cute la....start to think "whalau..what u doing ah...dear little girl....its too early for your age to know all this. "

All in all...very cute and angelic voice she has!! Do try it if you have time.

Before the songs i put up her....below are news on her for you to amazes and start to "insaf"...ppl 6 years old start singing...while we...6 yrs old....are fooling around??????? hahaha

Connie Talbot is a phenomenon, and much beloved around the world for her peerless vocal talent and her heart-warming persona. A normal lovely little girl from the West Midlands, she melts the hardest souls with her angelic voice.

In the past 12 months, Connie has proved that it is possible to grow up as a normal schoolgirl in the UK's West Midlands, whilst promoting her CD's, shooting videos, receiving gold and platinum discs, signing cd's, and appearing on major TV shows across the world! With two Guinness World Records, along with five gold and platinum discs under her belt, it is clear that little Connie Talbot was born to sing!

Connie recently crossed the pond to conquer yet another nation’s hearts! Over the Rainbow was released in the US on October 14th, and went straight into the Billboard Heat Seekers Album Chart at No. 7. Check out her first American television debut as a guest performer on The Ellen DGeneres Show in the video section b

Biography Of her
Connie never had singing lessons of any kind. She learnt naturally through her own karaoke machine, how amazing is this a 6 year old who can sing with the perfect pitch and is cute at the same time? At this point in time she is already being told shes going to be the next charlotte church, and i think we all believe the judges and people who are quoting this.

She wowed both the audience and judges with her amazing perfomance on the ITV show Britans Got Talent, when Simon Cowell said and I quote “Connie I’m going to speak to you like an adult” both connies mum and the audience said “awww”. News and sources over the internet quote that Connie will earn around 1 million pound in the next 12 months.

Simon Cowell the 47 year old pop mogul was so impressed with Connie’s performance that he agreed to sign her up for the seven-figure deal with his own record label. Although all the attention from the press, Connie is still standing firm on her feet.

After progressing to the third of the semi-finals, Connie declined a celebratory restruant dinner, in favour a fish and chip shop tea at there three bedroom home in Sutton Coldfield, with all the family in to including her parents, Sharon & Gavin, 14 year old brother Josh and sister Mollie.

Connie even kept the TV show a secret from anyone outside of the family knowing, even her school teachers and best friends she wanted to “steal the performance”, the first her teachers knew about the television debut staring Connie, was when they watched it themselves. All Connies friends where always talking to Connie in school asking her what it was like on TV.

While Connie is so desperate to take Simon up on his 1million pound contract, Connies mum a part time utility worker is less enthusiatic about letting Connie sign the contract. Connies mum quoted “I’m a big worrier,” she said. She also quoted “I never wanted this attention for Connnie”.

Connies mum Sharon, bought her daughter the karaoke machine because the family was having money troubles and could not afford singing lessons for the daughter, while it all unraveled that Connie only discover she could sing in tragic circumstances, her grandmonther, Violet, was diagnosed with breast cancer.”When her grandma was really ill in bed, Connie used to sing the DVD to the Wizard of Oz to her, to cheer her up.

TOo bad i cannot attach any audio here.....
Or else...trust me....u would love her. Lolz
She is just SOOOO CUTE
never mind...u guys go try sendiri la.

??????

I wonder what is every one doing. Maybe, you are watching Astro for the TVB ceremony of picking the best actor and actress? It is something like oscar, just that all the dramas are by TVB and of coz, the best actor and actress will be someone acting in the TVB dramas.

Or maybe, having dinner? No, i am not joking, even in Msia, at 10.30pm, there are ppl out there eating dinner. And i am not refering to Msian's who are in Msia now, but Msians who are in India. They are now, erm, about 7-7.30pm? Of course having dinner.

Or maybe, sleeping already? Again, i am not refering to Msian's early sleeper, but the girl in Aussian now. Its about 1am, although judging by her character that she is now either watching her favourite Anime or else trying to suck up as many books for exams.........i still consider the probability of her sleeping at this time.

Or maybe, you are out there...going somewhere....again refering to Jane June far away in Manchester, UK. How i know she is going somewhere? Oh well, cuz i just chat with her in MSN and she told me she has to go out soon.

What am I doing then? I am blogging, when my whole household is nearly destroyed. Just few minutes ago, everyone in my house, of course with the exception of my dog (cuz i didn't go down and see him), yea, everyone was crying. Me, Dad and Mum. 3 of us, crying. Okay, i am not CRYING, but i am...er....sobbing? Tears just trickles down my cheeks and i didn't bother to wipe it cuz i know more would come. Can vaguely hear my dad's screaming from my parents room about 1-2metres away...something about "it's my father who pass away, do you think i know how to deal everything perfectly to suit everyone??" or else "yes yes, i admit, i am no good....i don't know how to deal things...blah blah". Then can also vaguely hear my mum's sobbing, but i can't hear clearly of what she is talking since i didn't bother to go eaves dropping.

Maybe you are a bit confused with what happened? Now, let me tell you, with an additional advice of " do settle misunderstanding as quick as you could and never assume it has settle down". That was what happened. A disaster!!

About a month ago, my grandad was converted to Christian against his wish(again, i am not saying Christianity is no good...and i am not going to offend anyone). He was baptist by the time my family reached my aunt's house in SP. So, yes, there were loads of hoo haa...and pls refer to my earlier posts about it. Finally, my dad and my aunt came to an agreement of leaving my grandad in her house, when he passed away (indeed, our prediction was correct, he did die soon after that), she will have the christian funeral done for him BUT, after cremation, the ashes of my grandad goes to my family. Got it? Very fair and square right?

But when we came back to KL, my dad starts to regret, he feels he never try to "saves" his father from Christianity when his father clearly told him that he wants to come out from Christian and he wants a Buddhist Funeral. So, my mum, fearing that my dad would bang into some cars while travelling JB-KL and KL-JB (yes, my dad works in JB), and of course pity my dad, suggested that my family would bring my grandad down to KL from SP. Oh yes, remember the post where i strongly objected and i still lost? Yes...my grandad was transported down, spent like RM 1500 for the stupid Ambulans (thats the cheapest we can find)....and my grandad passed away in Sungai Buloh Hosp just 2 days after that.

So, everything was packed nicely and my grandad's coffin (with the body la, of cuz) was sent back to Kedah and my dad called my aunt to "report" the death. So, my aunt asked whether the Christiant Funeral is still going to be performed or not and my dad says "No". Feeling a bit guilty and sorry for his own sister cuz he broke the promise, my dad told my aunt that 'you could come pray with ur christian way if you want, it is not in temple, no buddha is there'. Sadly, the last phrase was heard by my mum, she misunderstood thinking that my dad is going to let my aunt perform the christian funeral for my grandad and she went hysterics, screaming and screaming with an extreme high pitch. Then my dad comforted her, saying my aunt won't be doing that...yet she does not believe and "threatens" my dad that she only allow my aunt to come perform whatever christiant funeral (aka singing in my family) for 1 night....if my aunt DARE to come 2 nights, she will really beat my aunt up. *gulp*.

Lucky for both of them, my aunt knows her limits and really came for 1 night only. So, everything went on peacefully and my dad thought my mum had forgotten. After 7th day ceremony, my family depart home with my mum's sister's family ( in case u ask what for they come....they came to took my dearest Honda Civic away). So, during the journey back to KL, someone touched the topic and my dad just said a phrase "we only allow her (my aunt) an hour to perform" (which, is very true) and my mum went angry AGAIN. So quarrel and quarrel and quarrrel, till i cannot tahan and i stepped in saying " mum, you are being ridiculous. Whats wrong with 2nights when you are READY to give ppl 1 night? Does it make a diff?? Is it not better for grandpa? In case the buddhist heaven don't allow him in, there is an alternative way and by singing more to him, the chances of him able to get into christian heaven is more right?" . So, whatever i said are sensible (at least to me, sorry if i offended someone about saying christianity as alternative way). But, what did i get?? My mum stared boo-hooing and cried, pointing her finger at me, saying that i side my dad. And to make things worst...my aunt (mum's sister that aunt)stood up for my mum pointing that my dad and i are siding my aunt (dad's sister) and are not appreciating what my mum had done. I seriously feels like wacking and slapping her face hard and sound.
*piece of advice: do not start telling ppl ur opinion when you don't know the full story but had only listen to the story from one party. Esp in family matter...shut ur mouth, you can start a BIG fire and then put fats into it to make it a even more FIERCE fire.

So, nothing happened, everything went peacefully, my dad went to JB and i went back to IMU. Whole week was fine, my mum and i were in talking status again, except that she was unexceptionally tired. She can go to bed at 8.30pm and sleep till 9am in the morning for 2 consequetive days. I thought she was really stressed out...so i let her sleep on.

Things start to shows again yesterday night, yep, FRIDAY, when my dad came back from JB. She show her black face, quickly settle her dinner and went to bed. My dad was "used" to this and me, was even more "used" since i got this kind of "treatment" more than my dad and lately, my mum had been doing this "facial expression" quite frequent lately.

My dad and i really thought everything would be fine today. But No. This morning, i was awaken by quarrels AGAIN. So i lazy to deal with them..i went back to sleep, totally ignore them. Woke up at 10.30 to find a black face dad and he told me that mum refuse breakfast. Oklo, both of us went and da pao something for my mum. Whole afternoon, my mum was in bed........non of us dare to go kacau her.....if by sleeping, she can soothes her anger, let her sleep la. But, when my dad went to see her in the evening, he found bottles of beer lying right beside her and instantly, my dad was so furious and quarrels starts AGAIN.

and yep...the rest of the stories...were already told.........

now, everything are peaceful and quiet. I wonder what would tmr be. A good day? or a bad day? i didn't bother to step in just now when both parties were crying cuz i think by crying and quarrelling, both parties can understand each other better and i don't want to show that i side whoever.....although i clearly know who is the right side.

Hopefully...tmr would be okay. Or even better if today...is just a DREAM, a NIGHTMARE. Comeon...i think my theta wave is enough...i should wake up!! Nah...i just pinched myself and i feel pain. Whole thing isn't a night mare...and i can still smell beers on my clothes...in the living room and kitchen.

Would love and happiness NEVER come to my house? Isn't it time for them to come now? We had been having so many troubles lately.....do come soon!!

I have 2 weird thoughts during the crying session,

1. if by dying can settle the whole thing, i rather sacrifice myself and die to stop both of them quarrelling.
2. If that is what family would be....if that is what family would bring....i would rather be a bacholar for my WHOLE life. I don't want a BF, i don't want a husband and i don't want a family. Or maybe....i could just adopt? Or maybe....i could just have a pet dog and end of story!


I am.....really....having SOB now...i never know i has asthma. Or something is wrong with me?

心力交瘁..

平生中第一次那么累！

Wanted to use chinese to type out everything...but since the google pin yin i dl has problems...never mind, i shall stick to english then.

I am seriously very tired now. Not only physically tired but also mentally tired. I don't know why all these have to happen. You know, i had been trying very hard to catch up in CNS, in whatever i had missed out during the whole funeral. This whole week, i haven't been sleeping much. Everyday slept at 1/2am then wake up at 6 or latest 6.30am. Then study study and study is my life.

So i was actually looking forward to some...relaxation...or at least peacefulness during the weekend. But no, my parents just have to quarrel. yea, HAVE TO QUARREL. I don't know who should i blame. My dad? For not dealing with my aunt properly during the funeral...and made my mum misunderstood as if he is more "close" to his own sister than his own wife. Or should i blame my mum?? For thinking so far and deep....for creating all the problems today....for starting the quarrel and not wanting to forgive even my dad had said sorry. Or should i blame myself? Yea, i think i should. Why had i not stepped in? Oh wait...i did stepped in and said something to break the misunderstanding about a week ago...and end up what did i get? Being accused of "favism", standing on my dad's side. Oh duh......fine, i don't want to step in anymore...and now they quarrel again.

I start to understand...you know...as how the children in Pendidikan Moral feels when they have a not happy family? They tend to rebel....they tend to ponteng...they tend to lie...they tend to do whatever things that can make the household even more unhappy. You know... i actually understand how the kids feel...cuz thats what i want to do that now. Whats the point of me studying hard now? Whats the point of me going Aberdeen? Whats the point of me becoming a doctor? Nothing....i don't see any advantages for me....i only see suffering and suffering for me right now.

I am so tired right now...can anyone save me from this sufferings? I have to squeeze a smile when i see my dad......have to console him and say "its okay...let mum be alone...she will be fine in no time". Then when i see my mum lying in the bed, refuse to wake up for the whole day...and getting worst by starting to binge drink........-sigh-.

Just got back from dinner...and she got herself a bottle again.......although my dad kept all his beers dowstairs...she still wake up and get a beer herself. I really don't know what to do wih her. Will problems solved just by binge drinking?? Will they solved all by themselves? And i don't know...somehow...i feel....she got the sleeping pills....i kept it behind a secret place and just now i saw the thing moved slightly to the front.......means she got some pills or i am just being paranoid? Hope i am just being paranoid.

Tonight won't be a good night for me. I don't think i will sleep...i will stay awake and see whether anything wrong happens or not.

Why would she want to use this to settle problem?? Why can't just sit down and talk?? Must one of them die then only she will treasure of what she has now?? If really someone need to die to wake her up....then let me be the one........i really no eye see.....i rather go away!!

-sigh-

..Sien..

When ppl is bored.......ppl starts to do...something...haha...weird!!

Oh yes, the ppl here = Me.

I had started studying a little bit earlier today (cuz i enjoyed the whole afternoon so must torture myself a bit in the evening). So, i was..erm...still at the 1st page of Dr. Anne Tay's lecture note...when i did something unbeliveable. Haha.

Why unbelievable? Well...cuz i never done this in my whole life...and i blame it on...Dr. Anne's notes...the laziness in me...haha.

So, what had i done?? Erm...haha....so, my study table or rather my brother's study table (cuz i conquered his room ever since he went back to Ukrain) is situated next to a cupboard. Nothing wrong with placing it beside the cupboard....but the problem is....the cupboard has a full length MIRROR attached to it. And i would see myself just by turn my head to my LEFT. So, what i did was....you know, a bit obsessed with the mirror. Haha. No, not trying to see whether im the last beauty in the whole world or trying to make comical faces to amuse myself......but......haha.....i stare at my face at the mirror and suddenly shriek " OMG....why got something on my chin?? Red red and pain pain de??? Sei lo...not pimples gua??"

OKay...those who knows me would laughed (i hope!! Well done for knowing me so well), cuz i never care about pimples in my whole life...in fact...i am so called a member from the "lucky group" who really not have much ACNE ever since i step into puberty. Even if i have....it would be small small..painless and would resolve in 2-3days. Good right? Don't jealous la yea!! Haha.

So again.......i am blaming on the boring notes study schedule i have ...thats why i am acting so not me!!

Hehe...okay.....got to go. PLAY GAMES!! hehehe. NEOPETS NEOPETS...HERE I COME~~

Se-rem-BUN Hospital

You know...sometimes......when you got so fed up with life....or just too tired...you tend to be lame. Haha. No wen chung..im not saying you are too tired or fed up with life....You and Ramzi are diff cases...lolz.

Yes, i am just nothing better to do. There are so many things out there lying around (my room is a total mess now...looks more like the garbage collecting centre)...waiting and shouting for me to start working....but....aih...i am very tired la!! Do LEave me alone!!

Today, last SeremBUN hosp visit........i just can't help thinking back the 1st time i step foot into that hosp. Haha. So innocent and was really READY to work. Wahsei...can't believe i was so innocent by then!! Somehow, when time goes on......the Enthu just wears off....and going there starts to become something annoying, probably cuz my shirt would be fully soaked with sweats after about 1hr being there and i have to hold on to that yucky feeling till i reach home??

But then...today....feels sort of...sad, to leave Seremban Hosp. I got a very good Dr. to complete the final touch of my Seremban Hosp Visit memories. Guess who i got?? *chang chang chang*....i got Dr. Tai. Yes...the one that came yesterday to give lecture on ...er...what was the topic again?? oh..Coma and Brain death (sorry la...brain not functioning well). He was very nice throughout the whole thing...even if i gave stupid + wrong answers....he didn't say anything. If i got some others...i would had got a big blast?? Haha. The session was quite long...took almost 2hours....yet it was very good and productive. I really learnt a lot

So.....yes....that conclude my last SeremBUN hosp visit..haha. Now.....EOS is approaching me step by step.....and soon....the whole batch would fly diff directions. Sometimes, i do wonder....would we still call all of us A BATCH ...say.....7yrs later? Or we have blend in with the "angmohs" so well that we take them as batchmates respectively?? I don't know...and i know it is very useless to think of such question right now.

Okay la.....got to see my dear notes......dear dear dear!!

p/s: Jian Min, if you are reading this...thank you for stalking me!! hahaha. I wonder how you got my blog URL!! You gave me such a shock when you told me that you read my blog.

to the rest...don't worry.....you all are reading freely and i will not so PERASAN-LY say you are stalking me...just him...haha...i purposely want to kacau him nia

Funeral and Etc

Finally back from the funeral. Today is the 7th day since my grandpa passed away (consider the day he passed away as the 1st day). Today is also supposed to be the day where he would "come back" to visit all of us according to the customs and believes. Scared? Oh no....not at all. I'm actually waiting...cuz i know, if he do come back to see me, it would be to scold me like hell and i am ready for being scolded. Lolz.

These few days...were hard days for me. Not only physically but also mentally. I am really worn off...very very worn off. Yet, that wouldn't be an excuse for me. Life goes on, i have to catch up with whatever i missed. The earth won't stop travelling even if my grandpa had passed away.

Speaking of the funeral, i got quite a number of pictures...yet, forgive me for not uploading tonight, i am just too tired. Give me few days, to heal my broken heart and to regain my physical stamina.

So, about the funeral, i don't know how many are interested in listening, but, i shall write as something for me to remember in future. So, yes, on Tuesday Morning, 2 days after transporting my grandpa all the way from Sungai Petani Kedah to KL Sungai Buloh Hospital, while having breakfast with my parents, my dad got a phone call from Hosp. According to him, the msg was " come to hospital quick, your father is not in a good condition". Indeed, he wasn't in a good condition. He is already in unconcious level when my parents and China Aunt reach the hosp.

I did not follow my parents.....instead, i went home, study renal. But i did asked whether i should go or not.....my dad told me that it wasn't so critical that i should waste time in Hosp. So, yes, i stayed at home and went to PBL. Everything was okay....i mean PBL.....starts off with Parkinson..blah blah....till the PBL1 of the next trigger,,,,,,halfway tru it...i got sms from my mum saying " grandpa just passed away". I was stunned. I don't know what Praveena and the gangs said from then onwards. All i know is " he died...how could he had died? Dr. say he might die today, tmr or maybe next week or next month. I wasn't expecting him to die today...how could he had died?". So yea...i was so quiet whole PBL....till....Praveena notices. Thanx Praveena, for paying attention to me. =) Then i talked to praveena whether i can change the photo session to next week........and somehow my mouth slipped saying that i have to attend a funeral. Kwan picked that up fast and asked me whose funeral that i am going. And you know what....i IGNORED him. I am so sorry kwan!! Really Sorry. I scared i just burst into tears if i tell you....and i seriously don't want to cry infront of everyone.

So, after PBL, i went LIBRARY. Lolz. Of all places, i picked LIBRARY??? Oh well, i didn't go home, cuz my mum wants me to stay on for the next lectur by DKW. So, i went to library, picked few books useful for PBL and borrowed it. Then, i went to a small place.....hide myself....and secretly start thinking of the bad things i did to my grandpa. Oh boy, i was really sad down the drain. So, when i went to Lecture...i really was sad and at the edge of crying. Everything was fine, i was able to hold my head up...smile to everyone....acted as though nothing had happened...........till...i wrote on the photograph session paper saying that i cannot make it since i have a funeral to atttend. AND....RAMZI saw it and asked me. But i ignore him again....i am so sorry. I hear you....i know what you are going to ask...but i don't know how to tell you peacefull with a smile hanging on my face. So, i wrote on a paper when i stabilize my mood and let Ramzi know.

Soon, after lecture, CCB got to know the news accidentally. Lolz. I bet he would never expect such answer. He asked " so, how was ur grandpa ah?" then i said " how? die adi lo...how?" He was stoned. lolz. Real good time to take a snap...but aiya, didn't get a camera that time.

Went home after that...........and sadly...when i reached home, i was just on time....to see the coffin car drive out from my home with my mum and dad crying. My china aunt went with the car, holding a joy stick (another chinese tradition). I really don't know how to react. I felt like crying. Every one there were staring at me. Everyone = the workers from the buriel services. They looked at me, thought i am someone renting a room from the land lord....or else someone who is not connected to the deceased. Sigh. Then, my mum saw me...and blasted me "why didn't you come back earlier?? the car just drive off". I was so bad mood that i shouted at her " traffic jam mah, you tot i want ah?". Then i went to shift my dad's car which was parked some distance away. Once i close the car door.....tears start trickling down my cheek. I hold on to the stering and cried. I missed him....just by a step.....why no one wait for me??? Why he didn't wait for me in hosp and now he didn't wait for me to depart!!! WHY WHY WHY?? I remember slapping the steering till my hand is so painful and started sms CCB and my US Aunt. Sorry...to disturb u all. U 2 are the 1st on my recent contact list.

So, after all the hustle bustle....packing up my books, my clothes...blah blah...oh and washing my hair again (cuz 5days cannot wash hair...again, chinese custom, don't ask me why)....finally, my family departed back to Kedah. My dad was having a black face that time. Well, cuz he was expecting to depart 30mins after the coffin car departed...but end up....cuz i have to run abck to IMU to return book (thanx CCB for helping me to send the book up to library) and met few traffic jam, end up, we reached highway at 8pm. SIGH.

Whole journey was quiet.............till Sungai Perak where my parents quarreled so badly that my mum scream and scream and scream. Sorry..family matters...i shall not reveal here. I don't know how to save them.....so i sms my brother in Ukrain to call back. but he only make things worst at 1st....my mum scream again...like a banshee.....scream.....till she got tired and sleep. Phew. Dam scary. But later, when she calm down, my brother talked to her and she was okay again.

We reached Padang Sera Siam Temple (aka Siam Wat) at 12.30 am. Don't ask me where is it....all i can say is......somewhere near perlis, at the border of perlis and kedah. More north than Jitra but more south to Kangar (ignore me if u don't understand). Imagine, 12.30am, in a small village......where everyone sleeps at 10pm............in such a HUGE temple.....where darkness surrounded it as though going to engulf it.................whole place was so quiet, only sound that you can hear is a bug call "cangkerik" was singing happily. " kweek kweek kweek kweek kweek" was what heard. It was more than scary okay!! To make things worst.....the place where is the coffin is going to be set is at the place where all cremation will be done. (theres a BIG empty space infront of the 3 stoves....and the coffin is to be set there). AND...worst still...next to the place.....is where ppl put the deceased ashes. OMG!!! Not one or 2....okay...but FULL BUILDING!!! Somewhat the size of out lecture hall in IMU. OMG. Damn scary!! And yes, that was the place where i spent 5days there.

The coffin car haven't reach the temple when we reach. We were kinda surprised since the car left about 2 hrs earlier....but of coz la...my dad speeds like hell....so...haha. Again, kinda surprised to see few of my relatives already there, sitting in a small group chatting, supposed to receive the coffin 1st....but...haha...receive us 1st pulak.

So yea, after about an hr plus....finally, the coffin car came....and the burial service man set it up..............and i finally saw my grandpa. I feel coldness down my back when i see him in the coffin, nicely sealed up. Lolz. I don't know its because of the place...or im not used to seeing him in coffin. Haha.

1st night was a very hard night for me. I am sleepy....very sleepy...but i don't want to sleep on the floor next to the coffin or worst infront of the stove where...thousands or hundred thousands of ppl being cremated there. haha. End up....till a point where im so tired that i can hardly open my eyes, i went into the car and sleep like nobody's business. Haha. Whole night, i didn't have a good sleep cuz of the small recorder thing which sings "namo amitabha" till my dream also got ppl saying that verse. So i keep waking up and sleep again, wake up and sleep again....goes on. So, at 6.30am...geng leh, 1st time i wake up so early when i don't have classes to attend. Change clothes...and the day starts.

1st day was very quiet. Too quiet till my parents were afraid that there aren't going to be able ppl coming to pay my granpa last respect. So, my mum decided to put a big orbituary on local newspaper...as big as she can afford on 2 newspaper summore. Ouch, cost about RM 2000 okay...and non of them is half page size. Sigh. Then we all started waiting.....wait for ppl to come...........and only few close relatives came. NIght falls.....and the 1st day's ceremony started with the monk chanting. So...kneel infront of the monk...bang my head 3 times....then continue kneeling while the monk chant and till the monk stop, we bang head again for several times....and then we swap to another cermony pulak. Haha. This time...again, buddhist ceremony....where we pray to the 3 god in buddhist...and start chanting with the whole buddhist society (got book one la...i know, i am not buddhist...and i know u all going to ask how i chant when i don't know anythign? hehe). Wah...all i can say is....the buddhist society ppl are damn LONG GAS lo. Lolz. Didn't get it??? MEANST CHEONG HEI la. They can chant very very very very very very very fast, non stop...no need to breath!!! I bet their lung volume must be extremely big!! Haha. Then finish chantting....we walk in a line, circling the coffin......again, chanting while we walk......for about 10rounds if im not mistaken. And...etc etc etc. Tonigaku ( means...all in all in Jap), the whole buddhist ceremony took about 1.5 hrs (monk is about 30mins and the buddhist thing is about 1hr). Oh yeah, 1.5 hr not big deal right?? Just that it causes raised intracranial pressure of mine..making me having severe headache nia. Lolz. By the time everything ended....i really feel like dying adi. DAMN TIRED.

p/s: i feel like sleeping again....continue tmr!! so tired ~

Good Bye

Good By Grandpa
Sorry if i ever say I hate u
I never Meant it
I was just angry
And
Now only i realize
The more i Hate
It only shows that the more i Care

I said before that i shall not cry for you
Yet I had been crying since the way back from Uni
I was so shocked when i get the news
That i don't know what the rest were talking in PBL

Good Bye....
I shall miss u!!

I missed u by a step, the coffin car drive out from the house, when i just step in...
but, no fear,
I will see u in Kedah Few Hours time....

*note: yes, im going for a 5 days funeral.....in case anyone thinking im MIA.

Death

Ever waited someone to die? Not wishing him to die faster that kind of "wait" but...knowing he is dying soon...and is waiting for the moment to approach u bit by bit?

This is what i am doing now........

Yup, i am not lying...and i don't see the need of me lying.

My grandpa went into unconciousness this morning, for some unknown reason.....and the doctor said he is "leaving" soon, how soon?? Maybe today, maybe tmr, maybe 2 days later or 3 days later or a week or a month. No one knows when is he going to pass away...but it is certain that he won't be living for long.

My mind is in a total mix state. I don't know what i should do, i don't know what i should think. I have to go Uni, i have to go study, i have to do PBL i have to practice CSU. Sounded like i don't care for him a tuppence right? I guess that is what i can do now!!

-sigh-

Nothing to write..........got to go uni adi.

Hyper

I feel like writing...
Yet i don't know what to write..

My brain is hyperactivity
Yet i don't know what im thinking off

I am in such a dilemma.

For the 1st time,
the happiness of me getting Aberdeen has finally been wiped off
I feel the sadness
I feel the anxiety
And i can even feel the Denial state in my brain
If it is not BS lecture keep running in my head
"1st emotion for patient and family member is DENIAL"
I would have gone into the protective Denial state now


I regretted.
Why i never took a photo with him when he was well
When he still can takes photo with us
When i has the chance...
esp when we took him back all the way from China
He was well by then...
It would be such GREAT memories now,
IF i had taken the photo.

Tonight
Is going to be a sleepless night
For my family.
Dad would be drinking till morning
Mum would be thinking non stop in hosp
And
I, would be in guilt + Regret for whole night

Ignore me...
If i not able to concentrate in lecture tmr...
I will be fine soon.
I need some time to think it all over
To make myself
LEARN that I AM NEVER TO ANGRY AND HATE someone
Cuz when one day
They gona Die
I will regret and live in GUILT.

I really need to learn

Diagnosis

Yes.
My family had spent RM 2K to fetch my grandpa back all the way from SP (not sunway piramid, duh, its Sungai Petani)
In case ur geography is THAT bad...Sungai Petani is actually in Kedah...

So, we rented an Ambulans, brought him back...
Sent him to Hosp Sungai Buloh (very good and new Hosp)
And we brought grey hairs to quite a num of doctors....
Lolz.
No one found anything....
Everything is normal.
Even the BP is Text Book figure 120/80 (i wonder how he acheived that)

Now, the diagnosis is out...
finally...
A female doctor found it (a tick to Female!! hehe)
A bad prognosis esp with his old age.....extreme old age if u want me to specify.

-Sigh-


I must blame myself
Why i had not suspected anything?
When he aren't able to eat..
When he vomited.
All these are signs
They are so clear
Right infront of my eyes
Using CCB words,
They are crying :" pick me pick me, i am the correct diagnosis"
Esp with pain when i palpate his stomach
Yet i did not picked them up

I am such an asshole
I am such a failure

I need to learn....

Nothing can be done now...
Except to wait...
for a funeral to proceed.

I Am sorry....
If i ever said i hate you
I am sorry
If i ever treated u badly
I am sorry
Sincerely sorry
A late sorry
I know,

Somehow, all the hatred cancels off each other.
I have no idea why..
and Is too tired to think why...

I think im going to bed
Bed is the only place where i feel happiness surrounding me
In my dream
I am what i want to be
I am what i think i must be
I am Happy to the very least

p/s: No, im fine, please do not start calling me. I am fine. Sometimes, i just want to be alone...let me think of all my sins.....let me be all by myself.