I had a dream !

Well, didn't realised, time really flies....one year had nearly passed by since the last time i posted this......okay...maybe its a bit exaggerating....not one year....coz the last blog was around oct if im not mistaken....but well, okay.....half a year.

During this half a year....i have no idea what i have been doing actually....all i know is, every morning, i wake up, i have an aim in my mind....study and study...to pass the up coming exams.....after one exams...there will be another exams....so and so.....thats why my study never ends.....

Im very very blessed to have chen yi beside me for this half a year......coz there had been too many things occuring. Without her, i guess, today, i will be in see teng's seat....sitting the resit chair, rather than her.

Talk about her, i felt a sudden guilty. But after i give it a thought, im not supposed to be guilty...coz i didn't MADE her resit....i was there in the library everyday without fail, from 9am till 5 or 6pm...and one week before the end of semester exams, even worst, i stayed till around 7pm. When i reached home, i studied till 2am in the morning, then having insomia for so many weeks, felt nausea....vommitted...cried.....and through all these, i passed.....i don't know whether she had all this or not....but well...her ending ...just turns out to be the opposite of mine. At 1st, i thought she would be doing much much better than me since she is concentrating at home while i was in library with chen yi, joking....laughing, doing other stuff....doing yoga's work since im the club's secretary...attending yoga....doing a budget for the upcoming chinese singing competition............i really thought if one of us to resit, i would be the one since i had been the weaker person since years ago.......

On the day i got her results, i really don't feel like opening the results for her. But, she sent sms to me all the way from new zealand, demanding for her results. So i have no choice but to open. I didnt dare to open every thing...i just open a small creak....and saw....the phrase " the faculty and the dean is regret to say that............" i didn't managed to finish reading it....coz i was feeling so down. I felt that im partially to be blamed....i should have drag her to the library to study......i shouldn't have joking and laughing with chen yi whole month and leaving her at home studying alone.

My mum told me that im not to be blamed since she is 18, and she should be able to take care herself now if not....to learn how to. Im not going to baby sit her FOREVER, one day, i will be going overseas and she will be heading for seremban and im not going to be able to baby sit her from overseas. Even she fell this time, there is a resit for her to work for it. IF she has the heart to be a doctor, she will work for it. After thinking all these, finally, im able to feel much better and have the courage to call her........

Today, i met her....to pass her the past years questions and my notes.THere is nothing so great about my notes actually, its the same as hers, but i wrote lots of important points that should be memorised on the 1st page of every notes and since she asked for it....i just bring it along. But, today, when she looked at my notes, she asked me in a cold tone " why u give me this ? i also got my own notes la ". I felt a bit hurt, it was you who asked from me and i brought it all the way.....now you told me this. But well, i forgave her since i know how much pressure she is under now. Then chen yi and i start chatting with her.....and i keep asking her to join both chen yi and i for a lunch....i was thinking, no matter how you study, u will need to eat....why not take this chance to relax herself....and chit chat with us. then, chen yi also encourage her to come with us and then later both of us will study with her in the medical museum. But, she refused saying that she has other things in schedule and we shouldn't interfere her schedule. One more thing which she added " you are free...but i might not be ..." " ouch...." that was what i felt in my heart............since when im the one who interfere ur schedule ? Im just being nice to you, helping you to relax and later to study with you......and since when i said im free ? I came back to uni to do all the jobs which is supposed to be your job.....you are responsible for that....and you didn't do it.....now, both chen yi and i realised you are stressed....we want you to concentrate.....so, we take up everything.....now you saying im the one free ?

Suddenly, i realised that, since when, see teng had been so far away from me? i don't understand her at all. I don't know what is she thinking....and i don't know since when she becoming so sarcastic. I know, she might be feeling sad for herself meeting both chen yi and i who passed the exams......but both of us didn't show off infront of her...nor hurt her...jerk her....we are trying to help.....but you hurting me.....twice in 30 minutes time. I really don't know her suddenly....she feels like a stranger to me.....or im a stranger to her....

Past few days, i had been calling her..........we didn't chat like last time......just a short session. Last time, we keep " boil porriage "...Lolz....once we start boiling....it would be around 20-30 minutes time....this time, i can feel that im the one asking and she is the one answering...and her answers are what IMU students call SAQ ( short answer questions )...the answers are never longer than 3 lines...but for her....her answers are never longer than 2 lines.

Im not grumbling now....im just feeling weird.....trying to adapt myself to this new, strange enviroment. Maybe i should give her time......once she passed the resit....she will be alright again.

Few nites ago, i had a dream, a dream which does not have see teng in IMU anymore. Im so afraid that this might be true. This would be the last thing i would like to see.....
But after today, some how....i feel this dream might be true.........
not that im cursing her or what.......i can see that she is giving up herself. She skipped the remedial class today....maybe its not an important class since its a Community medicine's lecturer giving class......but as far i can see....the whole remedial class is full....and i guess, she might be the only one skipping class. If im the one who is resitiing.....will i be skipping class ? i don't know.....one more thing....she told me that after each class, she went back straight away......she didn't stay in the library to study...................i had a bad feeling for this. 1stly, she tried this study method in her last exams...which gives her this result....and now...she is trying it again ? Can't she just stay in the library...change the study method ?

I don't know .....................don't understand her at all. This is the 1st time, i feel danger in the friendship between see teng and i. If she didn't make it for the resit......i don't know whether we will still be friends or not. I don't mind continuing friendship....but i feels like she hates me......so....i also don't know how. All i know is, better pray for her this time...let her pass......

Sigh...

i have no where to say all this....except this......my usual blog is connected to see teng and i really don't want to let her know what im thinking now......that might distract her.