心力交瘁..

平生中第一次那么累！

Wanted to use chinese to type out everything...but since the google pin yin i dl has problems...never mind, i shall stick to english then.

I am seriously very tired now. Not only physically tired but also mentally tired. I don't know why all these have to happen. You know, i had been trying very hard to catch up in CNS, in whatever i had missed out during the whole funeral. This whole week, i haven't been sleeping much. Everyday slept at 1/2am then wake up at 6 or latest 6.30am. Then study study and study is my life.

So i was actually looking forward to some...relaxation...or at least peacefulness during the weekend. But no, my parents just have to quarrel. yea, HAVE TO QUARREL. I don't know who should i blame. My dad? For not dealing with my aunt properly during the funeral...and made my mum misunderstood as if he is more "close" to his own sister than his own wife. Or should i blame my mum?? For thinking so far and deep....for creating all the problems today....for starting the quarrel and not wanting to forgive even my dad had said sorry. Or should i blame myself? Yea, i think i should. Why had i not stepped in? Oh wait...i did stepped in and said something to break the misunderstanding about a week ago...and end up what did i get? Being accused of "favism", standing on my dad's side. Oh duh......fine, i don't want to step in anymore...and now they quarrel again.

I start to understand...you know...as how the children in Pendidikan Moral feels when they have a not happy family? They tend to rebel....they tend to ponteng...they tend to lie...they tend to do whatever things that can make the household even more unhappy. You know... i actually understand how the kids feel...cuz thats what i want to do that now. Whats the point of me studying hard now? Whats the point of me going Aberdeen? Whats the point of me becoming a doctor? Nothing....i don't see any advantages for me....i only see suffering and suffering for me right now.

I am so tired right now...can anyone save me from this sufferings? I have to squeeze a smile when i see my dad......have to console him and say "its okay...let mum be alone...she will be fine in no time". Then when i see my mum lying in the bed, refuse to wake up for the whole day...and getting worst by starting to binge drink........-sigh-.

Just got back from dinner...and she got herself a bottle again.......although my dad kept all his beers dowstairs...she still wake up and get a beer herself. I really don't know what to do wih her. Will problems solved just by binge drinking?? Will they solved all by themselves? And i don't know...somehow...i feel....she got the sleeping pills....i kept it behind a secret place and just now i saw the thing moved slightly to the front.......means she got some pills or i am just being paranoid? Hope i am just being paranoid.

Tonight won't be a good night for me. I don't think i will sleep...i will stay awake and see whether anything wrong happens or not.

Why would she want to use this to settle problem?? Why can't just sit down and talk?? Must one of them die then only she will treasure of what she has now?? If really someone need to die to wake her up....then let me be the one........i really no eye see.....i rather go away!!

-sigh-