珍惜
Why do people start to know what is important in life, after losing something? Why do people "awake" from being lost, after they lost something they love?
Today, i woke up to find myself sleeping till 1pm. "Ah, He is in fire right now" is the 1st thought that came into my mind. He = Ju Liang. He would be cremated today at 12pm and i don't have the heart to watching one who used to be my classmates being cremated...although, deep down in my heart, i know he is dead and should be cremated.
Yesterday, i went to his memorial in his house in Sri Petaling. What a shame to me. He has been sick since 2006, the year when i started IMU, he got well and got sick AGAIN this year, and still, i never know he lives in Sri Petaling, which is about 2-5minutes drive from IMU.
His house, is a very big place, with a pond at the side of the house and few fat Koi fish swimming happily in the pond not knowing that one of the master had passed away. The garden, used to be well kept...........or maybe the flowers feel sad for their master left them, thats why they look so dry and dead? The memorial, was as expected, pastor coming out for speech, a very long one too, then hyms, then someone come out to talk something about him when he was still living.......then...finally, all ended with Amazing Grace. It took about nearly 2 hours.....
Then, we were given a chance to have a last look of him before we leave the place......and with few other high school classmates, we went into the living room. There, was a coffin in the middle of the room, with his photo, a very well recognisable photo infront of the coffin. I expect to see his face, lying in the coffin, as though in a deep sleep. But, i saw a stranger, someone whom i never seen before.......sleeping quietly in the coffin. I really thought i came to the wrong place....or there must be a mistake, since the boy in the coffin, is someone who is bald, round face, bloated cheeks..........there is not a spot in his face which seems familar to me.
Many people arounds us cried, even one of my classmates shed tears. But, nothing came out from my eyes. I am such cold blooded person, am I? For once, i was really sad, esp seeing a girl hugging his father, both of them cried, tears are as though continously flowing out from their eyes, never wanting to stop. -sigh-. THat, was really a very sad scene.
After the memorial, finally, i manage to speak to few of my classmates, whom i last seen 2 years ago. One of them (Yi Xiong) suggested us going to some dessert shop, take some drink and catch up with each other. I was planning to reject at 1st, since it was nearly 10.30pm and i promised my mum not to be home late (cuz its Mid July). But, suddenly, i realized that i have not much time with them anymore. I am leaving next year and so do others. So we went to "tong chi tau" ......
I don't know its by purpose or not, non of us speak of him. Even if someone accidentally touch on that topic, someone would be quick to swab the topic to something else. Maybe its too sad.....that non of us want to speak about it now. During that chit chat, Yi Xiong said something, which i had thought earlier that evening " Why do we have to gather after Ju Liang's dead? So, are we to gather again, next time, when someone dies? " It is a very sad fact, but it is very true. If Ju Liang is not dead, we won't be there together.....it is as if he gave us this one last gift, to bring us all together for one last time, before he really leave us.
My classmates had planned to go to really see him one last time today.......but i think, it would be too much for me. So i stayed at home, sleeping. But, i haven't been too good. Whole night, i had the 3rd nightmare of the week. Ever since i got to know he has passed away, i started to have nightmare. All i dreamt yesterday night was his memorial.....it is as if someone put a spoiled recorder in my dream....i keep repeating and repeating the memorial in my head...then seeing his photo.....his coffin...then him...again and again and again. I woke up with a jump early in the morning, and at once, i know i shall not sleep unless i read something funny or i would again have the same dream.
Yes, the funny comic works....and i slept till 1pm where i woke and realized he is already "in fire".
I have never in my life find so difficult to accept death. What is death? To me, its just someone, gone to some place, where we could never see him, hear him nor talk to him anymore. I had gone through few deaths already......but i don't know why, i feel so sad.......and sad.........and sad.....to accept the fact that he will never be in this world anymore and to accept that 5S4 '04 will never be complete again. He is no more a band of 5S4 in reality....and all of us will ONLY be classmates again in our next life.
I really felt like crying.....for a friend who past away so earlier......there is still such a long journey for him....but fate took the journey away from him. I am at the edge of crying....but...somehow, tears just refuse to come out.
For the 1st time in my life, i felt glad, that i am alive, that i am able to go to uni, that i am able to live happily, that i am able to go shopping, that i am able to go further my studies in overseas, that i am able to see many friends, that i am able to laugh and joke and cry with many people.....etc etc.
I am really Thankful for the 1st time, in my 20 years of life.
posted by doreen @ 8/22/2008 10:16:00 PM
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