Honto Ni Okuro (really angry)

I am so sorry, if i bore you again with my old man story, i have no where else to say, no one else to tell, and i only have this site, the poor blog to tell to. Ignore me if you refuse to read, there is no pistol pointing at your head.

I just got a big blast from the old man.........feel so like crying......what kind of human is he? Never appreciate that he NEEDS us to take care of him, never appreciate that WE took him in when he quarreled with his daughter and son in law. I am stupid to feel like i am going to crying, oh yes i am, if i do cry, then i am really the stupidest person in this whole world.

Mum is right, he is nothing but an ungrateful old fellow, who thinks he can do everything, who thinks he owns everything, who thinks he is a king, who thinks he has loads of money, who thinks his health is as good as when he was at age 50, who thinks he can scold anyone he likes, who thinks he is always right, who thinks he can control everyone around him, who thinks by using dead as a threat he can do whatever he want, who thinks he got bullied in china and he must bully us back in Malaysia when we respect him, who thinks it is okay to over-ruled us......etc etc etc. WHAT KIND OF HUMAN IS HE? He is moneyless, not even a single CENT. Yes, i agree that he used to be rich, but he got bluffed by the china people and he just refuse to accept the fact that he is POOR. He has loads of imaginary stuffs, for example : "i gave u money to study and u are now ungrateful" when i talk to him slightly harsh, or "you think who i am? I give you money to buy this house 20K ah", when my mum tells him off, or "I never take that medication for a very very long time, throw that stupid med away, useless med, useless dr" when he just took the medication this morning.

I felt bad, really bad, I finally shouted at him just now. He was being very ridiculous. He had some cough and the doctor who used to see him when he was in SP did prescribe him some Cough syrup and reminded us to give him when he has cough in case anything worst happen to his only lung(he had TB and one lung is gone). I gave him the cough medcine and he talks to me that he cannot sleep and heart is "jumping" hard and fast. He requested to see doctor but i told him to take the cough syrup and he would be able to sleep well, yet he scolded me as though i trying to poison him. Keep saying " you don't understand!! I don't want to talk to you, you go away!! What kind of study you took, this medicine cannot work you also don't know. Don't go study your stupid course !!!'. I WILL NOT HAVE ANYONE OBJECTING TO WHAT I AM STUDYING. YOU CAN SCOLD ME TRYING TO POISON ME BUT YOU WILL NOT TALK BAD OF WHATEVER I AM STUDYING. YOU USED TO SAY DOCTOR IS THE MOST SAINTLY JOB IN THE WORLD<>

NO...don't worry, i didn't say that whole phrase out. I kept it in mind and curse him few times. But he just don't get the idea that i am supressing my anger and keep saying " i am dying soon, i don't mind die, but you all will get into trouble. Fast fast ask your dad come back i am dying tonite, tmr he come back, he won't be able to see me anymore.....blah blah blah. Then finally, when my tears are coming out, i walked away, called my dad and shout him to grab the phone from my dad. My dad and him didn't come to an agreement either. They were both quarreling. And finally he got so angry and call me to take the phone away (i am ur servant meh?). I thought i sure get some bad words from dad, but no, my dad was very nice, he told me to be patient and he is so sorry that my mum and i have to bear this kind of thing everyday. I really felt like crying. No one appreciated us for what we did. No one understands what hardship are we going tru, the person who knows are taking granted and continue to scold us like we are a piece of garbage.

SO finally, my dad just tell me to take him to the doctor, let the doctor tell him that he is fine. FINE, i brought him to the doctor and at the door steps my grandpa saw 3 steps going up and called me stupid, why do i bring him this way. I told him firmly that there is no other way except the steps, all roads have steps. So finally, he walked up with loads of hustle and bustle. Many people were staring at us, practically because we communicate by shouting to each other (cuz he is 80% deaf) and because he is so old and we still bring him out. I felt so embarrassing. Esp when he say the whole bunch of rude language. Is he not civilised at all??

The doctor was staring at me when i walked with him into the consultation room and started to check the whole box of medication i brought. While he was checking, he scolded my mum again, saying he came for cannot sleep and palpitations why she brought the medications which he hasn't been eating FEW YEARS (he just took this morning), my mum tried to explain to him but he just continue to say the same thing over and over. Finally, the doctor made clear of what he is taking and what he came for and start examine him. His BP was PERFECT, his breath sounds are perfect, even his heart beat and pulse are perfectly normal. There is no palpitations there is absolutely nothing wrong. When we told him about that, he scolded us for trying to lie. The doctor pitied us and tell us that he will give him some tranquilizer to give all of us a rest. THANK GOD.

So, after the doctor visit, while we were going down the steps again, he asked whether there is any other road and say he is not able to walk (he is lying!!!). I said no and after 3 seconds he asked again and i said no. The cycle goes on....and for the 4th time, i don't care i am in public, i don't care there are people walking around, i just shouted at him "NO NO NO, how many times do you want me to tell you? told you its very difficult to come see the doctor, you are perfectly well and whats your purpose of coming here and bring all this mafan to your ownself?". I guess he finally got the cue that i am angry and shut up till now.

I am angry and at the same time ashamed of myself. I don't know what to do with him. I have to even lie to him that i threw his old med away and i will again serve him with those old med plus the tranquilizer. There is a demon in my head, repeating the word "curse him die curse him die, or throw him to old folks home" then there is another angel saying " no no, this is a good challege to train ur patient, just bear with him, he is just a poor thing, money-less and no one else wants him". But i feel that the demon is grewing stronger everyday and the angel is fading away.

Its just a matter of time when finally my dad screw him up and throw him to old folks home if he don't watch out. By that time, i also don't know will i talk with my dad to help him get out of being sent to old folks home or will i just leave it like that.

I really don't know how to serve him anymore. STUPID ungrateful old man !