Tired

Just woke up feeling tremendously tired and was half wishing i can continue to sleep on. However, due to those "responsibilities" which i am so much behind, i dig myself up from bed and headed here. Haha
Going back to study soon la...don't ngam me k!!!

Been really tired these few days, esp yesterday and today. Yesterday, i didn't get to sleep and was so busy into work. Today, i woke automatically since my mum forgotten to draw the curtains and can you believe that i actually woke up at the 1st ray of sun light? Sigh. Then tahan till whole day.

Grandpa wasn't too good. I had a bad feeling for him. Everyday, i keep telling to anyone at heart(or was it myself) that please hang on till my brother come back. Brother is coming back on early July, so just keep it up !!! Heard that he had been given 2 packs of blood today. There is only 2 reason why you give blood right? Anemia and Heamorrhage and either one isn't good for an old man.Sigh. Heard also that he had TB when he was young and i was fearing and worrying that he might have a recurrent one since he is so old + a weak immunity right now. Sigh. I am worrying so much.

There was once a story, saying that before a person dies, he would be given a short period for him to make up with persons around him. Make those who hate him into forgiving him and make those who love him, continue to love him. Somehow, this idea keeps ponding on my heart. I don't hate him anymore, ever since he took my hands when i went to visit him in China. I gladly forgive him for ignoring me 20years. Everyone was more of sympatizing him than angry with him for the state he was in.....and to tell the truth, basically, no one ever hates him now. So if the aim of the short period is to make everyone not to hate him anymore, he actually reach the aim and should..........oh well, touch wood, i refuse to think about the idea.

I start regretting, why would i spent such a long time hating him when i can move closer to him. All these while, i just say i hate him, he ignore me 1st so why should i love him? In the end, right now, i realize no matter how much i hate him, i still love him deeply. I said before that i will never cry for him in his funeral and at this point, i am on the edge of crying just because he is being admitted into the hospital and not getting better yet.

I start seeing bad omens. Maybe you all would think it nonsense or tell me it is a scientific world now, why would i believe all those things? But frankly speaking, i am very sensitive to all these omens ever since my maternal grandpa died. Now, the same "old" omen is here again, and i am fearing on top of the mountains of fear that anything bad would have happen to him. Please, hang on, at least till brother come back!! Please. He would hate himself if he missed you!!

I don't know i am such a coward. Every times the telephone rings, i felt some thing in my throat which i cannot swallow. I felt myself shivering and started sweating. Then i keep praying hard and talking to "someone" in the air " please not be a bad news". I fear to grab phone calls at home and in uni, i fear to see the caller is my mother..........i am such a coward, right?

I think, no matter how much i hate him.....i love him at the same time. Things just go opposite when you did it too much....the more you hate, it shows the more you care and the more you love....

I am going to study..........i don't want to think anymore~ I am scared!!