Finally Back!!

Well, i really in need of catching my breath, just reach home few hours back, now, my mind is still way back in my hometown, Kedah. This trip, again, i had concluded something....lol....im concluding a lot of things every time i go so places....well, here goes.

1. Grandmother.
Actually, didn't plan to put this into my blog when i was drafting my blog few days ago (yes, i DRAFT my post), but today, something happened that changed my mind. Anyway, before i say anything, give yourself sometime and think about your grandmother, how is your relationship with her? fine? Very good? or so so? Well, if i tell you mine, you might be surprised or in shocked.

Few people said that i am actually emotional stable person. It's very very extremely rare that i would hate and sad....the most is anger which is quite rare also. but....shame to say that.....

I HATE my grandmother. Haha. Are you shocked? Yeap, i hate her, or rather never like her since i was young. Why? What makes a little child of 4-5 start to hate her till today? Hmm....i do not know actually, maybe due to her nagging and always complaining, kedekut character, keep scolding, unfair, unjust...etc etc. All in all, i HATE her. I hate her even more when my grand father passed away. The hatred peak there when i know what she said to my dearest grandfather when he is at his dead bed.I never quite forgiven her till now, where i guess, it is almost time for me to start to take things a little bit more smoothly. Back to the hatred story, well, She told my grandfather a cruel, not forgivable sentence when my grandfather was told that he might be paralysed after his bypass operation few years back. She said " its either you die or you get well, i do not want to take care of some " ma fan" people who cannot walk nor eat by his ownself, its very tideos and i have no time nor money nor energy to do such thing. So, its better that you die. "My grandfather cried bitterly after she said that.... not long after that, he died...sadly.

THAT, was what she said to my grandfather. I wasn't there when she said that maybe she knew that i hate her so much that i would hate her even more if i knew she said that to my grandfather whom i love more than myself. But, she forgotten that my aunts are very kepo persons, they gossips a lot and i accidentally heard their gossips.I remember i didn't talk to her, not even once during the funeral, ignore her and try to escape from being alone with her. Stare at her hatefully and everyday i just sit by my grandfather's body and look at her with hatred. A funny thing is, although husband and wife for so over 50years, my grandmother dare not go near my grandfather's dead body and she shiver when i look at her from there.
-sigh-

But, yea, that, was few years back. Today, we had lunch together before my family depart home to KL. During the lunch, she told my mum that she do not want to take anymore medication from UMMC (UM hosp's real name) anymore. I know the reason behind this. She knew both my mother and I hate her and she do not want to trouble us anymore. But, don't know why, i suddenly feel weird. I start to think whether i would cry for her when she dies. Haha. Weird right? But, i shake that off my head and respect her decision provided that the medications that was prescribed in UMMC's list must be taken faithfully from any hospital in Kedah and she agreed. On the way back to her house ( to drop her off so we can depart), i saw her face while she was talking to my dad ( didn't notice me looking at her). I suddenly realised that she had grown old since my grandfather's funeral. Much much older than before. There is so many wrinkles on her face. Her eyes are getting smaller and smaller and blurer. She cannot see clearly, her legs are weaker, she cannot walk fast nor long, her body aches here and there, her hair are dry and crisp....................is my grandfather's funeral THAT long ago? How come i never realised she changed a lot? Okay, i never really look at her PROPERLY.....but thats not the point. The point is, in few years time, maybe while i am in PMS, she would have died and till that point, i understand that YES, i will cry bitterly for her. I used almost 20years to HATE her, but still, i never know that i love her when i hate her.

-sigh-

weird right? to love and to hate a person at the same time. But one thing i am sure is, i have forgiven her. Yeap, I do. I hate her for my grandfather. But if He knows that i hate her for so long, he would never have forgiven me. He taught me to forgive, to love, to sacrifice, to smile and to bring everyone laughter and joy but never hatred. Yea, i guess, its high time that i forgive her.

Anyway, i guess i would stop writing...better go to bed, im a bit exhausted....