I Had Enough....

Tired + Sick........i tried to show that i don't care that i am sick....i tried to show that i am fine......yet, all i can feel is, my body is getting feverish and indeed, i am not fine at all. Not brave enough to let my parents know that i am so severe, just told my mum i felt feverish, lucky my mum didn't touch me or she would have catch me to the doctor. But, even if i go see the doctor, it would be the same advice " rest more, drink more water, you are just stressed up, relax and stop studying for a day or 2"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? STOP STUDYING? Takkan want me fail? Better not see doctor la, just anggap i am fine, i THINK i would be fine tmr....

See, even the blog is against me, my half pages of post is gone...stupid !!

Anyway, im just sore throat and fever, just now was headache and fever, but headache subsides after the nap, now sore throat and fever pula...haih

Everyone who sees me would say " Aiyo....FUIYO....you good la, you so smart, future can be BIG doctor ( important word....BIG ) no problem de la....you can graduate de....just remember next time to give me discount wor....."
HATE that phrase, famously told since last year......keep hearing the same phrase from so many people. But who knows when i suffer? Who knows how much i pay for getting to this place? Who knows what i was thinking while i was studying? WHo knows how much tears i shed....how much weight i gave for this course? All just so MENYAMPAHKAN.......see la, even sick also cannot tell anyone, dare not tell parent also, later they don't let me study and i die in exams.......sick also cannot rest, must keep going.......who knows all this difficulties?

Sorry, i am just a bit emotional unstable today. Cried twice today.....maybe because i am stress in the 1st place, now plus a sick, i lagi emotional unstable until i cannot control anymore. Once i cried, because my mum disappointed me...for a stupid reason i cried.......its for nasi lemak ....haha...now think also funny. My mum promised me to buy me nasi lemak this morning....but end up, i waited for her 2 hours starvingly...she came back and tell me she didn't buy so just wait a while and she will cook straight away. Seriously, i don't choi her straight away, just grab a bun and went upstairs soberly. When i reach my room, i cannot control my tears adi..and just cried. Lucky, it was just a short session and i sit up straight to continue studying ( i think not even 5 minutes cry...haha...coz study more important )......then after 30mins, my mum came up, knock softly on my door (she usually bang my door...lol), when she came in, she said sorry and tell me she forgotten to bring money so didn't buy for me. Then she see i don't choi her, she went out. Right after she went out, i cried again....because i felt so guilty. Its just a NASI LEMAK afterall. nothing big. Why should i be such a nuisance? Why should i show her i am angry and make her guilty and came up to say she is sorry? Sigh...i was so so angry with myself that i cried again.

Life is getting harder now, esp Exams periods. My brother told my mum that i would be okay, just tell me to relax...but i was fearing every hour that i cannot pass. So many stress build up to the stress mountain every day. There is so much to study, to remember, yet my brain is not cooperative, refuse to remember....

Sigh, sometimes, i just wonder, why i enter medicine? I would survive perfectly and beautifully in Business? I can go shopping la...go yam cha la...go here and there? why i cari pasal....come here....no nice clothes, everyday cincin cai cai, grab anything then wear adi....face always pale and eyes are drooping with a big black eye bag....sleep also not enough, appetite also low....don't want to eat...just want to study.....want to read comic want to play, want to dance...want to read novels, want to write blog, write diaries, write novels...but end up....need to study...then cannot do everything i want..........After one exams...there is another exams....then another exams.....always like this. After one exams...just rest not even one month, have to start studying again....even if no exams that month, still got PBL, always rush rush rush and RUSH.....time is always insufficient...i am SERIOUSLY tired with this kind of life.

-sigh-

-sigh-

-sigh-

Should go study...its time...or i will never reach my target today.....see....when i write until climax...its always time and time to go do what? STUDY.....damn sien with this kind of life !!!

I HATE MYSELF !!